When Winter isn't a Wonderland

The weather these past couple of weeks has not been fun. And if the 10-day forecast is any indication of what’s ahead, this week the weather won’t be too fun either. Besides two freak warm-ish rainy days, the temperature tends to waver between cold, freezing cold, and obnoxiously cold. And windy. And, along with that, it usually snows. But I haven’t minded the snow very much at all. In fact, I think it’s quite beautiful - the way it sparkles like sequins as it falls in the moonlight or coats everything in a blanket of white. However, it’s not so beautiful when it starts to melt and turns to slush. Or when multiple footprints turn the white blanket into a brownish, muddy one. Not only because it doesn’t look pretty. But because when you live on a campus that’s small enough to make you walk everywhere, you tend to slip a lot. Well…at least I do.

I think I slipped while walking at least 30 times last week, and definitely 10 times today.  I never actually fall down, but now that I’ve said that out loud, I probably will find a way to tomorrow. What happens is that I think I’m putting one foot in front of the other, but it doesn’t exactly end up on the ground. It starts to slide out from under me and then my arms flail (gracefully, of course, like a bird taking flight…) in an attempt to keep my balance and there’s that moment of absolute panic where I think that I’m about to die. Or at least be extremely embarrassed. One friend even questioned whether or not it snowed in New Jersey based on my seeming inability to walk like a normal person in it.

When it happens, I like to blame the shoes I’m wearing, or the ice, or the crack in the sidewalk or pretty much anything that doesn’t involve admitting that I’m a klutz. Am I living in denial? Absolutely not.

I could be super cliché and say that sometimes life is like a sidewalk on a day when the path is icy. But I’m not going to, because then I would have to switch my major out of shame.

However, I will say this. I think that sometimes we don’t do a good enough job walking on sidewalks in winter. We shuffle through the day, knowing it’s the time of year where, more often than not, we’re going to have a hard and unpleasant time walking around. So we pray that we don’t completely wipe out and pray that spring comes soon so that the sun completely melts all of the ice away.

I’ve realized that too often, I try to get through the tough situations and seasons of life by putting up a feeble attempt to be “brave” and “stick it out” by simply waiting for things to get better.

But we can always wear different shoes. Or try to walk where the path isn’t as treacherous. Or simply take our steps a little bit slower. The point is – our situations are never hopeless. “Difficult,” “frustrating,” “uncertain” and “slippery” will never be synonyms for “hopeless.” Waiting for spring isn’t the only way to survive the winter.

Day 1, Year 2, Semester 4

These are some things that I like:

1) Chocolate

2) Good music

3) The color blue

4) Roses

5) Being in a routine

These are some things that I do not like:

1) Spiders

2) Bitterly cold days

3) Scary movies

4) Saying goodbye

5) Change

I’m currently contending with #5 on both the “like” list and the “do not like” list. Wishing for the first #5 and strongly disliking the second one. Beginnings of semesters are not my favorite times of year. It’s not that I don’t like reuniting with friends or being back at college or anything even close to that. I’ve missed GCC a lot, and even despite the currently ridiculously-freeezing-single-digit-makes-me-want-to-cry temperatures, I’m so happy to be back. But even still, there are always the first couple of days of classes that include a lot of “Whats” and “Whens” and “Wheres” and “Hows” that I wish I could fast forward through in order to get to the time where I’m used to my schedule and daily routine.  This being my fourth semester, getting used to new schedules thankfully has become much easier than it was my freshman year. But it shows me very clearly that I am not often a huge fan of change.

However, despite my feelings on the matter, the expression “The only constant in life is change” has some truth to it. Even when I get “more used to” how my schedule works, and even when life eventually and seemingly starts to go “more smoothly,” it’s amazing how things can easily turn on a dime.

If you had asked me last week what today might have looked like, I’m pretty sure my answer would have been dead wrong. Today, I didn’t expect to have to run on around 3 hours of sleep. Or think that I would learn so much about how much I don’t know. Or imagine that I would be putting together plastic pink flamingos.

The unsettling thing is that in life, more often than not, you really just don’t know.

But I’m starting to really grasp that uncertainty, lack of clarity, and change don’t all have to be scary. Because even when day-to-day life gets hectic, or when things that I thought would have stayed the same forever start to change, or when I wonder what surprises tomorrow holds, I realize that I still have a Constant to hold on to that will never, ever change.

These are some things that I know for sure:

1) That I have been redeemed by Jesus Christ.

2) That my Savior loves me personally, passionately, individually, and despite my flaws.

3) That He knows what is best for me.

4) That He will NEVER let anything happen to me other than what is best for me.

5) That I do not ever have to worry about my life or change or anything, because God is always, always, ALWAYS in control.

“Through all the changing scenes of life,
  In trouble and in joy,
The praises of my God shall still
  My heart and tongue employ.”

Adventures in Tutoring

It’s amazing how much you can learn from children just by being around them.

This week I’ve been helping out at my old elementary school, mostly in 1^st and 3^rd grade. Some highlights of my day are the 1^st grade reading group, the 3^rd graders that I work with that need some help with their book work, and a little boy that I tutor named Michael, who is proving to me daily that I can still do first grade math. And even though I’m a Secondary Education major, the experience is still rewarding. Because, as I’m quickly realizing, each grade level is a stepping stone to the next grade level, and no matter what grades I end up teaching, there will be different challenges to face each step of the way.

In elementary school, the students want to know everything. 

In middle school, the students often think they know everything. 

In high school, most students are trying to figure out what “everything” actually is.

I know that I want to be a teacher, despite the very early morning wake-up time. And I’m still pretty positive that working with older kids is where I want to be. But as I’ve seen very clearly this week, there are some moments and situations that are unique to elementary students that I will definitely miss in Secondary Ed.

Take the “Aha!” moment. The moment where the light-bulb turns on, something clicks, and the gears start turning. For example, Michael and I made a breakthrough while learning about tally marks today. It took a little bit, but he finally realized that every time you draw the fifth tally mark, whether it’s at 5, or 10, or 15, you have to draw it through the other four. It may sound like a minor accomplishment, but the way his face lit up with comprehension as he said “OH!” made it look like he had just won an Oscar. And, consequently, I felt like I could take over the world. Sure, the “aha” moment is more than possible in middle school too. But honestly, their faces aren’t always quite as precious when it happens.

There are also the moments of cuteness that you just don’t get to see with high school students. Like when one of the kids you work with is walking down the hallway, sees you in the office, and stops and waves enthusiastically. Like when they ask if you’re coming back tomorrow and when the answer is yes, the response is a big smile. Like when the adorable little first grade girl always wants to hold your hand.

Watching them reminds me what it’s like to have childlike faith in God. Helping them with their work gives me hope that it’s possible, at any level, to get kids excited about learning. There’s genuineness in their demeanor, a transparency of their true thoughts and feelings, and a trusting spirit that is so refreshing.

And then there’s just classic moments like these:

"Miss Sibilla, how old are you?”

I’m nineteen.

"Oh…”

-          I don’t think I’ve ever felt so old admitting my age in my life. Blunt honesty is a big thing in elementary school. They don’t beat around the bush. Their faces quite literally say it all. And this little boy’s face clearly said “Miss Sibilla…you’re old.”

Overheard while working with the 1st grade reading group:

“Michael, that’s inappropriate!”
Ryan, what’s wrong?

“Michael said KISSING!!”

-          Oh to go back to the days when the most inappropriate and shocking thing you heard all day was the word “kissing...”

Consoling a child who lost a game of bingo:

“Aw, but I was so close to winning!”         

Maybe you’ll win the next game!

“Yeah, and besides, it doesn’t matter if you win, it’s more important that you have fun! That’s what my daddy told me.”

-          Perspective. All about perspective. I almost told the little girl to make sure she never stopped listening to her daddy.

Walking back the adorable first grade girl to her classroom:

We better catch up with them or they’ll leave without us!

“That’s ok if they leave without us though, because you’re still here with me.”

-          Heart = melted.

While tutoring Michael and asking him questions about a story that he had just read:

Ann and Bob run fast. They ran to Tim’s red house and back. Who runs fast?

“I think the boy does…right?”

-          I gently but quickly corrected his answer to make sure that he didn’t get the question wrong or grow up to be a jerk.

“Miss Sibilla, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

I want to be a teacher.

-          The girl’s face registered a little bit of surprise, but then she smiled and went back to work. And it’s true. I do want to be a teacher. Maybe not for kids this young. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that these kids have been proving to me that I’m definitely called to teach, simply by being so willing to learn. 

New Year's Resolutions

The few days that sit between Christmas and New Year’s Eve usually make up the season for deciding what your New Year’s resolutions will be. As the years have gone by, when people have asked me if I've made any, the answer to that question has been yes. New Year’s Eve comes, the ball drops, and I usually have several goals for myself that I bring into the new year with the hope that I will be able to accomplish them before Auld Lang Syne is sung again. Some years I made an actual list. Other years they ended up being written out in a journal. But over time, my organized method deteriorated. In fact I’m pretty sure last year I typed out a quick list on my phone on New Year’s Eve. And this year, I didn’t even go that far. If anything, around midnight I made a mental note of a few things that I know deep down I need to work on.

At the time, my own lack of motivation surprised me. Was my lack of a list due to the fact that I am less idealistic now than when I was younger? Maybe. Was I hesitant because my track record with these goals isn’t all that stellar? Perhaps. List or no list, one of my problems with New Year’s resolutions is the pattern that I tend to fall into when it comes to keeping them. More than once it has played out that the goals I am excited to work on in January I get stressed out about by February and bored with in March. Some resolutions have lived to see April and beyond. However, more than I would like to admit don’t even get to see the early signs of spring.

But disregarding the untimely death of multiple resolutions, I think the main point of weakness that I struggle with in terms of making my list comes from the realization that most of the goals that I have for myself aren’t quantifiable.

I mean sure, many of my goals can be measured: I want to read the entire Bible this year. I want to really be consistent in my devotions. I want to be more organized. I want to eat healthier and walk through the doorway of the GCC gym more (…and then actually work out of course). I want to improve myself as a writer, a reader, and as a musician. And those things are possible to keep track of. I have a schedule for reading the Bible and a set devotional time. I can check and see if my notebooks and binders and drawers are in order. I can figure out if the number of times I went to the gym during the week surpasses the number of cookies I ate during the week. I can write poetry that I feel proud of, finally finish Mere Christianity, and learn new songs on the piano. 

But what about the other goals? What about improving my prayer life, trusting God in His timing and sovereignty, cultivating a spirit of joy that isn’t dependent on circumstances, being a better friend, daughter, and sister?

I can’t look back on the month and say that I’ve lost 5 pounds of selfishness. I can’t schedule “learning how to trust God” from 10-11pm on Tuesday night. I can’t say that I’m halfway through becoming a more joyful person. I can’t cross being a better friend off of my list.

If you know me, you know I like lists. And you know that I have multiple lists. There’s the word document that organizes the little things, the color coded outlook calendar that keeps my schedule, and the wall calendar that reminds me of big assignments and tests. And don’t even get me started on the syllabi. This may make me sound completely Type-A and uptight and slightly insane. But it’s just how I operate. Plus, there are few feelings better than going through your day and being able to cross everything off of your to-do list. If you strongly disagree with me, that’s ok, because I’m pretty sure it’s a genetic thing. My mom feels the same way I do.

Anyway, the real problem comes when I combine my love of lists and schedules with my unquantifiable goals. And I think that’s why in the past I have given up on many of them. Because I can’t cross them off when I’m done like I want to. Because there is no being “done.” Because I will have to work on these goals – actively – for the rest of my life. Being a faithful Christian doesn’t end once you hit a certain level. Sanctification isn’t completed in this lifetime. We are all - from the day we are born, to the day we come to Christ, to the day that we die - works in progress.

I chose the title “A Work in Progress” for this blog because this past semester in particular I have been amazed over and over again by God’s patience with me. He gives me countless opportunities to grow, and when I refuse them, turn away, and end up on the ground, He never gives up on me like I give up on myself. Because, as Philippians 1:6 (one of my favorite Bible verses) says …”I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Remembering that that verse applies to me is both exhilarating and humbling. He knows I am a work in progress. And He knows that I can only progress through His strength. If I can stop looking at spiritual growth like I look at homework assignments, I believe that many more of my resolutions will live to see this spring. And next spring. And every spring that follows.

With all that being said in this first blog post, I wish you a very happy start of this new year. I hope you live in the knowledge that strength for today and hope for tomorrow is always available to you. And I hope that you realize that even though there are some New Year’s resolutions that you will never be able to definitively cross off of your list – that those resolutions are the ones that are worthy of staying on your list for the rest of your life.